|
"untitled" |
Anxiety |
Apology To My Unborn 1/11/04 |
Choices |
Delicate (For Proper GoodByes) |
Haiku #23 |
his music |
Historical Re-enactments |
Homeward |
I Wanted To Tell You First |
Inside This Wide Span of Sunflower Against Blue Sky |
It's Only October |
Like, Sometimes |
Lune #2 |
Memories: Union Square |
Nightmare Haiku |
Nobody's Coming To Get Us: Liquid |
Nobody's Coming To Get Us: Mama |
Requiem: Dear You |
she is |
Sleepless in Brooklyn |
Untitled: For Kadiatou Diallo |
Who Is She |
Without Permission |
I Wanted To Tell You First
06/29/2006
For Peter James Conti
i knew it was you who sent the
second line
sent the sudden tender of round
that had me searching for something
softer than cotton
to soothe the fire under my skin
sent the stomach unsettled
the quiet that entered my throat
the rush that said,
"you already know but maybe this will force
your fatigue into rest. your irresponsibility
into organized lines."
still remember the curse you left me with
"we're grown ups now. we change."
i wanted to tell you first
picked up my phone and held it
said your name into the receiver
watched as the phone fluttered and stopped
waited for the familiar click
the woman on the other end
mechanic and hollow
i listen until she reminds me
that you are no longer in service
and i choke a little
because i need you
need to mark my belly
with your hand
to ooh and ahh at the taut
and round it will become
like the day that feels like minutes ago
when you said, 'You'll be the first. i can feel it."
and i laughed at the crazy your tongue creates
remember the way my eyes rolled away from you
"no pete. you will be the first."
and you were. but i forgot
to clarify and i'm sorry
the universe hears what it wants to
And when I changed my mind for the
3rd time
You sent me a Lauryn Hill song
Thrown from a passing car
You already waiting in Zion
reminding me that time waits for no one
And I admit this missing you
Is selfish
but this fear threatens to eat
me from the inside out
when the man i created this poem with
refuses me his hand in comfort
and commitment
you would adopt yourself into this 'we'
and push the lonely from tongue
and i know that you would understand
my vanity
sing for me stretch mark potential
dance my widening hips into the hole
in your side
and praise my growing belly into beautiful
feed me fat and faithful
rock me roller coaster and mood swing
pray me a lauryn hill remix
lyrics by macy gray
Peter, wish me a girl with your face
a boy with your heart
I welcome your reflection
need to own something that holds your spirit
You wilt me kindness
remind me unconditional
Make me leak with the need to dance
we will always be a rock and rhythm
that no one else can hear
We the stilted memory of
music
you extra terrestial
you elegba
deliver me a trickster
send me something i can mold into
the you you were afraid to become
let me love him like you forgot to love
yourself
like i meant to love you
dizzy and completely
like the lover i could never be
but you held my heart steady as dreaming
my beauty
guide him
hold her
send them on the wave of your memory
reborn
and i will deny you nothing
ask me now if i can hear it
ask me now if i felt you move beside me
ask me now if i can do this for you
ask me now if i can hear you
when this became more than biology
when we became grown ups
i needed you first when the thought hit me
And again when the second line appeared
And again when they smiled a confirmation
And again when I wasn't sure
And again when I changed my mind
And again when I changed it back
And again when I realized that she would come
The week after you left
And all I could say was yes
Because Peter asked me to
Laying on our backs in a bedroom that held our quiet
you stretched your arms towards the ceiling
and said, "this is an incantation. you will be the first."
And I said no
When what I meant was
Ask me again when my womb is
Crowded with only this miracle
of missing
when the grief enters
my bones and lives like the converted
i will do this in rememberance
of you
back to top
"untitled"
06/29/2006
midnight in the only place
that matters
and i am done fighting
will no longer press you
into scrapbooks
marked
time
will
heal
i promise you
surrender
no more long winded
struggles for permission
to care
this battle is yours
this cargo mine
and far too precious to risk
friendly fire
or this desire to toss
over walls
that protect
and trap
and if we're lucky
the smile will be mine
full bodied and promised
own the eyes too
allow me the round
we can share the brown
you can donate the depth
the quiet
but
tomorrow the sun shines on
something new
budding in the wake of
necessary
the promise birthed amongst
stars
the scars that frame
your eye
prevent you from seeing clearly
hold hope that it is the newness
i allow you paralysis
it's sunday
too late for forgiveness
regret
the religion i'm carrying
begs for stronger acts of faith
your fear is yours
hold it
smooth as the guilt
lobbed at your already battered body
what is your truth?
your legacy beyond the lyrics scribbled onto
the backs of envelopes
receipts
notebooks discarded after the first
honest word
i see you
as i always have
believe you capable
see you
shining
even in this
the dark of broken the only
thing that promises safety
need you strength and open
have neither
despite this
i am your protector
breathe life into your excuses
before i give the world permission
to toss you aside
still believe you capable
still see you
shining
pray that it is the newness
that paralyzes you
still believe you
hold on to the hope that
soon you
will smile in this
realize that the universe only gives you
enough to prove your worth
capable
and i have done this before
held goodbyes in the palm of my hand
urging wind the strength to scatter but
not destroy
shining
there is always a second chance
the reasons this heart leaps
prevent the running over
this thing frames you
beats in the same staccato
used to push word
and flesh
this is your greatest work of art
don't let it be written without you
back to top
his music
03/16/2006
"new edit"
i.
he treats her like poetry
scribbles rhymes on her belly
she afraid to wash
fears that she will never be that treasured again
she is gold plated
rusting
trying to breathe
she plays at loving him back
slowly
will not lose herself in the process
he loves her like he loves hip hop
like he holds jazz
in his headphones krs and coletrane
he wants to know
if she feels the bass
echoing out of him
off balance
he needs to steady
reaches for her hand like
heat seeking
she shrugs him off
needs to concentrate on her own warmth
too practical
Chicago winters don’t allow for this
“too cold,” she mutters
her breath freezes on her lips
the words reach him anyway
he can only nod
“too cold”
they stand barricade against winter wind
and each other
too many careless words tossed
sting like whip across face
she is numb now
feels nothing
he is numb too
feels too much
and they are only waiting
18th and blue island ave
waiting
blue line to midway
waiting
airport to hotel
and they wear this waiting
like silence
he will always be Chicago to her
she wishes she could curl into him
find safe space in crook of his neck
he lean in to quickly
expectant
only wants her to need him like that
she afraid
wants to breathe without him
she practices on the sly
pushes breath out into sigh
all he feels is her breath
thinks she tires of him easily
she is waiting for when
it ain’t so easy
like the memories still cobwebbed in her hair
she lived like this
pushing past herself life forever would never come
he knew it would
needed her to believe
she squinted at the stars in his eyes
said, ‘see me clearly…
love me then.”
Her father said,
“you are your own child…
think maybe you fell whole from the sky…”
she could only nod
never felt like she belonged
forgot what truth was
she made promises too soon
he wanted to be needed by someone
they were lost together
she tattooed road map on her back
then never turned around
he was always that jewish kid
shell toe and freestyle
cool
only one in the cipher
cool
loved hip hop more than life
more than her
not cool
said it soothed
made world make more sense
made him worry less
he wore it easy as silence
this music he carried like breathing
like the memories
he always fighting
she tried to love him
hold him
but she could not stand the touch
he never understood
thought they would be air for each other
“why won’t you let me love you…”
he said
“stars in your eyes will make you go blind”
she said
ii.
18th and blue island
nostrand and winthrop
headphones hold
krs
coletrane
add me to your head nod
while i watch you in sleep
whisper jazz in you ear
so while awake
you take to strolling
slightly off beat
but walking
six cornered
walking
against Chicago wind
walking
until you are blue line
you love hip hop more than life
said it soothed
more than me
could feel that when we touched
together
you frantic often
i needed space
to be easy
you had music
krs/coletrane
i have nothing
need that more than you
why won’t you just let me live
in the past until the sun forgot
you don’t know
how heavy the sky is
on my back
but you remember jazz
love hip hop
more than life
said it soothed
like i never could
but what soothes me
you no longer
frantic
breathe rhythmically
so easy
have music
have headphones
krs
coletrane
i have no one
need someone to hold me
train stop and waiting
close enough to touch
far enough to need
love me like hip hop
add me to head nod
you
chicago big shouldered
real
i fit easily in the hard knock
of rotten apple
even our skylines don’t match
we still learning
still holding breath
knowing
now wondering
how soon we
will forget
stars
in your eyes will make you go blind
back to top
she is
03/14/2006
Editing poems for the book. Which means re-editing old poems.
tangled mass
uncertain
weaves false confidence
bravado
she takes little chances
lives life grateful
afraid
wishes for small miracles
expects no answers
faith has always been a matter of interpretation
she only believes in god accidentally
disbelief would take too much proof
and she doesn’t have the time
she tells herself this often
the truth is she’s forgotten how to pray
can only hurl empty into darkened rooms
she is afraid of being that girl again
knees to chest
unable to rest
head bent in anything but submission
she’s known as the girl who never sleeps
remains stretched within the hours
waiting for the sun to rise
this happens too often
stopping is not an option
she worries about what she can not change
becomes lost in the crumble and tumble
of questions
the answers buried beneath rubble and curse
she has uncovered a new hatred of flying
writing
love
they are no longer fast enough
she lives on the corner of go and gone
never stays long enough to build memories
it’s easier to stay whole that way
she is the love of a weekend
and monday’s early morning regret
she is 110 lbs
and still worries when she slides on her jeans
so this girl doesn’t eat
she ignores the roar and whistle of her stomach
believes that if you stop eating long enough
the hunger disappears
so she is a tablespoon of peanut butter
a quartered apple
water
ice
she secretly wants to be one of those princess girls
hold rainbows and dewdrops
light on sugar tongue
but she is dirt
sweat
gymsocks
scars on legs
hands
arms
heart
she makes excuses
apologizes often
is never really sorry
she is always accused of being sunshine
while, quietly wishes winter on the world
she likes to be alone
she should never be alone
back to top
Nightmare Haiku
03/13/2006
It followed me in
dream. Heart leap then drop to feet
what's sleep really worth?
This side of morning
smells a bit like death forgot
daylights savings time
sleeping alone is
more difficult when there are
shadows waking you
tomorrow appears
much more quickly when last night
slams into morning
back to top
Haiku #23
03/08/2006
your hands are slow drum
you rhythm on table top
I watch you too much
Haiku #24
I love your name. Sounds
Like music. I have not danced
In so very long.
back to top
Delicate (For Proper GoodByes)
12/14/2005
for a brand new Day
You are Brooklyn
Last memories of city dust
A borough that invites crisp and chaos
Hollow with longing and filled with everything
I could barely muster a goodbye to her either
Just watched the bridge sail past
My eyes locked in the distance
You, like Brooklyn, difficult to forget
Or ignore
I know that if I found a good bye
For either
And meant it
The tears would come
I,
closed off and guarded suffer tears for no one
But you, like Brooklyn, invite more truth
Than I am ever able to handle
Provide more escape than I will ever need
So I acknowledge
There were no expectations here
Only the subtle hint of possibility
A promise as quiet as a maybe
Lingering in the distance
And perhaps, it was a movement I created
Out of gratitude
For the nights I laughed
Despite the speckled pain in my belly
The nights when all that mattered was morning
Our legs deadlocked together
Words peppered with volume and a thing crafted like anger
Shaped into passion
Nervous circles smoothed and satiated
Settled arguments reminding me that though delicate
I am anything but fragile
Your hands brought a gentle mahogany strength
Your smile a special corner of the sun
The crest a charisma that could house evil in lesser men
But I am safe from the span of your gaze here
The piercing ebony of your eyes
No longer bore reality into me
It is a freedom I can do without
But am living with
Outside of your span
I am earthbound and relearning how to walk
On nights like this, when I am reconstructing ideas of myself
I remember how Brooklyn made me feel extraordinary
How it held me
Wrapped arms too strong to ignore around me
Allowed me gangsta lean
Made me feel too cool to acknowledge that I was bent from broken
And you came just in time
Made sure the wind was holding me up
Four weeks before it all ended
Before another city started to lay claim
But I held on to you and Brooklyn
Needed to be reminded that though earthbound
I still had wings
I should have used them
left you in Brooklyn
and me just outside your reach
Outside of the safe span of your gaze
Special corner of the sun
Mahogany strength
Gentle lean
This freedom I can do without
The truth settles in battered husks
If I could just find a good bye and mean it
I would welcome those tears
back to top
It's Only October
10/30/2005
It is only October.
Only the beginning of a new forever.
Only the end of yesterday.
Like the kiss of summer.
Like leaves tangled and twisting
Like branches dry and dead
Stuck in the promise of spring
The way the dust of a city clings to your feet
Remember Brooklyn
Remember the way the streets pulsated and throbbed
The glowing authority
The fierce determination
The way the world rolled itself out for you
Forced you to work
And believe
The way the dust clung to your feet
The longing
The waiting
The way it held you
Comforted you in chaos
The wishing you could forget
The desperate need to remember
The mouth
The full moon lips
The way, they wet and delicate accepted morning like prayer
Shrug off the sleepless nights
Pretend there was dreaming
Magical somethings
It was all there to claim and hold
The weight
The defeated and stripped
So now
Who owns this jagged disappointment
The reality scraping against your face
What now but to
Blame the only morning you know
Blame the sun for rising
The impending winter
It’s your only chance to breathe
Blame the cold
Blame the gas prices
Blame the war
The way nature rages and destroys
Blame the wind
Blame the silence
Blame the noise
Blame your brothers for being wonderful
Your sister for being magical
Blame your nothing.
the scar on your left knee
The dent on Your right arm
Somedays they makes you feel ugly
Blame the ones who care too much
Blame the rain
Blame that damn song
Blame the streets
Blame your heart the way it flies open without permission
Blame the poetry
The way it forces itself to be written
The way it refuses to let you sleep
Blame the TV
That distracts
Blame the songs that taught you how to breathe
Blame the books
Blame Jeff Haliburton
and Anthony Lewis
The first ones
Blame the last ones
They shall remain nameless
Blame Chicago
Blame Baltimore
DC
Brooklyn
Your parent's basement
Blame your inability to stop yourself from feeling
Blame the phone calls
the emails
the texts
The laughter
The tears
The whispers
The touch
The way your body reacted
when the tongue traced the tattoo
And exhaled
Blame the truth
Blame the lies
Blame your womb
The tumors
The scars
The pain
The blood
The tears
The eyes so big, seeing nothing
Blame yourself for being cautious
For not being cautious enough
Blame the night
Blame October
Blame Sunday
Blame Tuesday
Blame 11:20 PM
July
2005
February
2004
all of
1999
1985
August 3, 1976
Blame existence
Blame creation
Blame yourself…
It’s always your fault.
back to top
Nobody's Coming To Get Us: Liquid
10/30/2005
Part of the Katrina series and inspired by hundreds of spouses searching for their loved ones after Hurricane Katrina
Collect the salt of our memories
The heat of summer
A river across brown
Sepia
Toffee
earth
It’s Tuesday
Wear this goodbye
Liquid against your chest
Your heart a shallow rhythm
My lips a soft echo beneath breath
I miss your face
Wish to
Place gentle against scruff
and inhale
The line that forms your chin
cheeks
Mouth
Nose
Eyes
Connect the parts that create you
Teach me and I will build for you a new
Everything
smile
And I remember how well you wore this
Your name
Crocheted on scarves tightly woven
With concern
Compassion
something
I think about whether your neck gets cold
Are you hungry, love?
I know you miss me
See your eyes cast down and
I want to own you again
Tell you that I’m okay
That I live in shadows
Hollow
Music
echoes
It’s only better here because I can see you
Touch you
In the form of a breeze that lifts and tousles
Leave the body
Remember only the movement
See me as you do the promise of spring
Damp
Pretend that with me brittle things bud
thrive
not yet ready to grow
or go
Do not long for me
It’s okay
Believe it
It’s okay
Wear this goodbye like a talisman
It’s okay
Like my jeweled whisper
It’s okay
Like yesterday
It’s okay
My salted memory
It’s okay
Skin
It’s okay
This new river
liquid
it’s okay…
back to top
Nobody's Coming To Get Us: Mama
10/30/2005
Based on an interview I watched tonight online with Jefferson Parish President Aaron Broussard on Meet The Press.
She was golden
Had the gray and the grandchildren to prove it
out lived too many husbands and Presidents
to remember
Secretly hoped to outlive this one as well
And then there were the children
She’d lost too many already
Was used to the stench of grief
And impossible goodbyes
Lived long enough to expect anything thrown
And still able to catch
She was just waiting to be called
Waiting for the time
For the moment she could ease into a sigh and stay
Steady
Just holding
Until it came
everyday for her was a blessing
It wasn’t supposed to be like this
Was supposed to be easy
Was supposed to be an exhale
Was supposed to be the warm wave of finally this is the day
Was supposed to be half a smile and heart full of youthful secrets
Was supposed to be different
And it was
Mama always knew she could handle the fire
But she wasn’t expecting the rain
Wasn’t expecting the dead floating around her
Like the forever she gave up on
Years ago
She thought she’d be prepared
Thought it would be easy
Never knew that she would hold on so tight.
Never thought she’d forget what she was holding on for
Or to
every day was a blessing
But
She wasn’t ready
Not like this
She was waiting
Resisting the rest of her days
Waiting
Alone
again
only the phone
again
This time
Only the one that smoothed her nervous circles
Only one question
Son…. They comin’ to get us?
Yeah, mama. I’ma getchu outta there
Waiting.
Son… when they comin?
Tomorrow, mama.
Waiting.
Son, the water…
I know, mama. I promise, soon. I’m doing everything I can.
I know. But the water, baby.
I know. I'm trying.
Waiting.
Baby…
Mama, They said tomorrow. I don't know.
Hungry.
I’m so sorry, mama.
Tired.
I know mama...
Waiting.
Baby?
Sorry. Nothing.
Waiting.
Mama...
Waiting.
Tomorrow
Waiting.
Mama?
For her, every day was a blessing
Had lived through too many wars
husbands
Presidents
Children
Always expected fireworks
Knew nothing of water
It’s not supposed to be like this.
She said
I wish I would have learned to swim
back to top
Without Permission
06/23/2005
This is the "freestlye" version of the poem performed on Def Poetry Jam in June. The TV version is slightly different because I was editing it in my head as I went along. I'll post that version when I figure out how to use my external harddrive. Or when I'm not lazy. So basically never.
i want to kiss you
shadow you jawline
against touch
longing
kiss you
scent of musk
salt water and seafoam
clean
kiss you
near god
amongst strangers
dare either to stop me
keep me
want to kiss you
bitter
tired of waiting
wondering
empty
want to kiss you
steady as forever
small as favor
kiss you
curve where shoulder
meets neck
throat
chin
elbow
wrists
then rest
chest
back
hip
belly
want to hold you
entwined with vows
palm against palm
fingers laced and waiting
wish to kiss you
Unbroken
Before too many hearts
Snap like dried and
Dead things
Still longing
Still waiting
just one,
small
solitary
kiss
Quiet and quick
Silent and subtle
I can only hope that it will
speak
volumes
back to top
Requiem: Dear You
11/01/2004
Dear You,
The universe has finally granted your wish
You are free and no longer encumbered
by the weight of my love
I was waiting for that last ray of sunshine
to hit the earth’s surface before
I buried our union
and
somewhere it is midnight
and
somewhere it is winter
and
somewhere my memories are fading
So
This is a requiem for that dead part of your soul
And
This is a eulogy for that part of me that housed our
Affection
Ashe’
Forgive me if I continue to echo
The rhythm of your heartbeat
For it is only temporary
I will wrap myself in silence
Once the moon dust settles
And
I will no longer attach myself
To the hollow your soul
Attempts to disguise as righteousness
And
I will no longer kill myself
In order to protect your
Inconsistencies
You are not worth
The price of my life
And
You can not afford
The toll of my soul
And
Somewhere it is midnight
And
Somewhere it is winter
And
Somewhere my memories are fading
Now how many times must the sun set
Before I accept that
The day is over?
I could dream of making love to rainbows
While
Collecting raindrops in my navel
Hoping to one day give birth to sunshine
Or
I could spend 5 lifetimes
Alone
And running through sandy beaches
In search of my solitude
But
I will no longer tell you
That I love you 5,000 times
In 5,000 seconds
I have no room for that emptiness
And I refuse
To insult your dishonesty by reflecting truth
For
You are not worth the price of my life
And
You can not afford the toll of my soul
And
Somewhere it is midnight
And
Somewhere it is winter
And
Somewhere my memories are fading
Will I continue to ignore
The Creators whisper as
She tells me to run and
Save myself?
Even if my arrogance speaks loudly
Of saving you,
I know that my tears will do little
To quench your desires
So I will walk away
And not look back
As Sodom and Gomorrah borrow fire
From hell to baptize your existence
And
I will reject the appeal
Of martyrdom that attracts a moth to a flame
And
I will sing loudly
That final song after the death of silence
And
I will refuse to come to you in the form
Of a memory
Just to be welcomed into your future
For
You are not worth the price of my life
And
You can not afford the toll of my soul
So
This is a requiem for my belief in you
And this is the eulogy for that part of me
That watched over your protectively for centuries
I am much too tired
And you have made me much too cold
And
Somewhere it is
Midnight
And
Somewhere it is
Winter
And
Somewhere my memories fading
My love for you is dying
I have said goodbye to yesterday
And I will
Never ever
Welcome tomorrow
The Universe has finally granted your wish—
Ashe’
back to top
Who Is She
10/27/2004
She is
tangled mass
uncertain
weaves false confidence
and bravado
lives life grateful but
afraid
she takes little chances
In secret
She wishes for small miracles
And expects no answers
only believes in God accidentally
disbelief would take too much proof
And she doesn’t have the time
Faith has always been a matter of interpretation, anyway
She tells herself this often
The truth is,
She’s forgotten how to pray
Can only hurl accusations into darkened rooms
She is afraid of being
That girl again
Knees to chest
Unable to rest
Head bent in anything but prayer
She’s known as
the girl who never sleeps
She remains stretched within the hours
Waiting for the sun to rise again
She knows
that this happens too often
stopping is not an option
She worries about what she can not change
becomes
lost in the crumble and tumble
of questions
The answers buried
beneath rubble and curse
she has uncovered a new
hatred of flying
and writing
and love
they are no longer fast enough
She lives on the corner of go and gone
never stays long enough
To build memories
It’s easier to stay whole that way
She is the love of a weekend
And Monday’s early morning regret
And
This girl doesn’t eat
She is a tablespoon of peanut butter
A quartered apple
Water
She is 115lbs
And still worries
When she slides on her jeans
She ignores the roar and whistle of her stomach
Believes that
If you stop eating long enough
The hunger disappears
She makes excuses
apologizes often
is never really sorry
she is always accused of being sunshine
while, quietly wishes winter on the world
Secretly she wants to be one of those princess girls
The ones that taste rainbows and dewdrops
But she’s
dirt, sweat, gym socks
scars on legs and hands and arms
and heart
she likes to be alone
don’t ever leave her alone
back to top
Like, Sometimes
09/23/2004
For SC
Sometimes silence is the loudest kind of noise
Like sometimes it was best when girls were girls
And boys were boys
Like back when freeze tag was a mating dance
Like back when do over meant you got another chance
Like back when anxiety was worrying if Wonder Woman would make it out alive
Like back when freedom
Was sliding backwards on a slide
Like back when success was
Jumping off a swing and
landing on your feet, then
Doing it all again
Like new shoes made you run faster
Like getting Ms. Gross again for math
Was a disaster
Like failure
Was a word we hadn’t learned to spell yet
Like promises
Were sealed and kept with pinky bets
Like a challenge
Was a double dare
Like ugly
Was a cock-eyed stare
And you liked it like
When you flipped your eyelids inside out
to impress that boy across the room
‘cause
there was no such thing as too soon
as long as you checked the right box
in that note
from across the room
the one that he
passed her
back when, “I don’t know, maybe”
was a legitimate answer
back when, “I need space.”
Meant he needed more elbow room to draw
So he got on the floor
And he colored outside the lines
Like the lines of color were on the floor
So we just existed in sandboxes, and playgrounds, and hopped scotches
And dodged balls
And everything I needed to know, I learned in a shopping mall
Like, don’t wander off on your own
Like know who you are
Like know where you came from
Like never let go of your Mother’s hand no matter what you do
Like, if you get lost
Just stand there until someone finds you
And someone will always look for you
Because someone will always miss you
And someone will always find you
And when you cry, someone will always remind you
In that quiet, quiet lullabye voice that
Sometimes silence is the loudest kind of noise.
-Bassey
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Lune #2
05/10/2004
for M
My eyes, dark
Pools. Want to swim? I’ll
Let you drown.
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Anxiety
03/10/2004
like cancerous contradictions/
your voice in the echo of nightmares/
comforts/ keeps fires burning/
heats hell/ like pain/in
hollowed halls/ remind me of home
home and happier nows/
steady/
like the breath of lovers/
like time and truth/
and heartbeats once consumed by/
passion/now passed on/
acquainted/
newly antiquated stares/ of
voices whispering
"so how are you"/
will ricochet/
feel nothing/
make this work/
prized consolations for a game/
i never permitted myself to play/
yet/i am losing horribly/i
want to disappear /
into halos/
into afros/
dread
lock outs/
in bellies burning/
with anxious rumblings/
hearts burn
rekindled fires burn/
need to rest comfortably/
so through closed eyes/ i
burn in my memory/ there are
images of lips/ that spray words of
betrayal/
and love
and pain and love
and hurt and love
and hell and love
and help me to
love
come here and leave me to burn
trapped
within the the rigid boxes of this
concrete jungle
dance
across broken bottles and bodies
lying on sidewalks
discarded like yesterdays
and regrets
invite bruises of painful memories
live
without past
without future
for now
just be beautiful without permission/
live
like poems written when strength was common/
poems written for yesterdays devoid of words/
that cut and heal
then cut to heal
forgive/forget
heal and hold familiar scents/
close to naked breasts and rotting stench
the truth
of life
of love
of right
what's left
of now
of no
of longing
of go
of wait and knowing when
to face
or fuck
of fists
and arms that hold and choke
to die and rot
and if not for love/then
for what?
for who?
for you/i ache
in blue
purple breath
dangling on the lonely edge of truth/
truth lodged in the pit of something/that
was once beautiful/ something
fluid and persistant/like
rivers run/like
slaves run/like
you ran from me/like
i ran from you/like
in my nightmares i run/like
instead of living/i run
like/ mercury spilling over surfaces/
like/ time inching towards forever/
like/ i'm too afraid of dying too young
so i ration breath/
and i redirect heartbeat towards/
something that resembles living/like
cancerous/like
so many of my own contradictions
-bassey
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Inside This Wide Span of Sunflower Against Blue Sky
03/09/2004
(For Goodbyes)
And we,
one before the sunrise
knelt here
hearts in hand
Palms turned towards
the promise of a new day
We
late nights
and loss.
Wait here. caught in hollow expansion
Of breath. syncopated heartbeat.
Pulse and pressure
This us.
Created in the quiet of expectations.
The moment it all
Made sense.
We were one before the sunrise and
She was created this first morning
A promise
Whispered into a city’s waking skyline
A
Wish cast like hope
Across raging rivers
We sat silent
Connected only by this prayer
And need
Not yet knowing that she would be bridge
a road across
Religion
And song
And culture
And possibility.
What the world could be.
One before the sunrise
She was just us
A medley of hues
Set
Beneath kinky careless sprout of curls
Face smooth
And full
She was us
The careful pout of my bottom lip
Stubborn and impossible,
Your chin
Proud and determined
Her eyes
Holding us in all our mahogany,
And sunflower blue
And endless, endless beauty
She was push and pull
The hope of more to come
Honest and clear
And full of promise
Like daybreak.
And we were one before the sunrise.
She sunset creation
Insured our awakening
Gave home to our restless spirits
Patient and waiting
To become flesh
What became of the music we made
The breeze ushering in a new day
What became of that sunflower span of blue sky
Of her
What became of us
That hope
light
that night
and daybreak
the sunrise
The skyline
The river
The dreams
That promise
The night
And daybreak
The promise
And daybreak
The possibility
And daybreak
Replaced with this new heartache
What became of us, love
When all that all we owed her
Was life
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Apology To My Unborn 1/11/04
03/07/2004
For MCS-- whose work inspired me
i fear that you will never sleep
that like these fingers long and too thin
to hold rings and commitments
you will inherit your mother’s insomnia
her restless spirit
child, i wish I could quiet all your questions
tell you the exact number of stars
show you where the moon goes at sunrise
i wish i could temper your fear of good byes
prove that the earth spins regardless of whether or not you are awake to see it
i wish i could give you one morning worth rising for
I pray that you can close your eyes
see the world through the only thing i have fit to pass down to you
this heart of a dreamer
but i want you stronger sooner
want you kind and brave
want you unafraid to fight
for what you believe and need
want you beautiful and free
i want you nothing like your mother
this girl trembling before each new day
frightened of herself love
this girl who finds the word ‘woman’ a cloak too heavy to don
most days
you deserve someone who carries the moniker like banner
wears it easy like sun in summer
but, child, what can i tell you of peace
when you were probably conceived in a cacophony of questions
still i think of you as possible
can almost smell the breath of god light against you skin
can hear you, softness, eyes closed laughing
real as the beating staccato against my chest
but future, i fear if i
cling too fiercely to your unconditional
that i will bruise you
because i can not hold my breath long enough to shrug off these imperfections
i wonder, if they will make me too nervous to nurse you
leave me unable to find a place where just loving you is enough
child I will begin counting those same stars
and in dreams these arms will hold you
whisper you soft into a still slumber
these hands, small and strong, like your grandmother
will build for you a world of colored things
will pray, palms towards the heaven, for a quiet
without the tumble and chaos of
words and worry
child i pray that you know
that though feared, you are wanted
know how you’ve lived lifetimes in this hollow expansion of breath
know how easy you’ll fit
in my spaces
need you to know this now before time and distances help me
to forget to tell you often enough
i hope that we will not be too much like shadow and brick
voices thrown against walls
these hands are tired of building
and child i hope you will forgive my quiet
those moments when i just can’t find the words to speak
i hope my silences don’t scare you
won’t have you questioning your worth
have you turning towards friends and strangers for comfort
i want you to like me
to know me
to know that there are moments when i will wrestle with moments
that shade my best intentions
moments like now
your mother
lays awake
watching, yet, another morning from the wrong side
practicing slow this breathing that will usher you one day into this world
here, i can, almost conjure up a proper image of you
i still fear that you will never know peace
but i already know i need your laughter
need the gentle curve of your fingers
need your eyes locked on mine
need you here now for balance
but my future,
i will deny you your right to exist
before i pass on this
cracked soul of a storyteller
you deserve more than
this threat of me as your mother
still attempting my own world of colored things
so child, just promise me that you will be, eventually
i need your possibility
like i need a night worth sleeping for
-Bassey
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Sleepless in Brooklyn
03/01/2004
You asked what a sleepless night was like
It's nearly 7 in the morning. Most people are waking up. Normal people are starting their day. I, on the other hand, haven't slept yet. I've been talking about why I don't sleep to folks who should be sleeping. I've been plotting to take over the world one bling at a time. I've also been writing. And I forgot to eat. I've been drinking tea. I've been watching reruns of Threes Company. Hilarious. I've been watching the Bloomberg report. Boring. I've listened to a poetry CD. Just one track over and over and over and over. I'm thinking that she is more brilliant than I can hope to be. My sister. I have had no regrets. I've been trying to talk myself into a bowl of cereal. Instead, I've been snacking on matzo crackers. I've been craving matzo ball soup. I’m craving his kitchen. I’m missing his hands and their knowledge of the perfect omellete. I'm learning to forget. I accept that he's already forgotten. I've remembered one regret. I've contemplated ordering a movie from HBO on Demand. I've decided that I don't have an attention span. I've stretched. I've yawned. I've strategized. I've written down my secrets. I've told them to no one. I've ebay’ed. I've told a few secrets. I thought about Britney and how she needs a good friend to tell her to rest. I've been thankful for those who tell me to rest. I haven't listened. I've talked out loud to G-d. I've waited for an answer. I figured She's busy. I made plans for the weekend. I will try to keep them. I've worried about my family. I've listened. I've sent no emails. I'm missing Chicago. I'm not looking forward to next week. I'm afraid of silences. I'm prepared for silences. I'm trying to write a poem. I've pas de bourrée'd in the kitchen. I've time stepped in the living room. I've sung along to Maroon 5. I’ve fallen in love with the lead singer. I've laughed and meant it. I've cried and meant that too. I've yelled. I’ve screamed. I've laid on the floor. I've stared at the ceiling. I made a promise. I kept it. I've listened to the radiator. I'm not sleeping. I’m wondering when this will begin to be a problem.
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Historical Re-enactments
03/01/2004
(for you, still)
asked you to stay the night
too late to drive so far
I said
had your safety in mind
surprised when you said yes
the way you did
mumbling something about winter
in the city and snow
I shrugged
too tired to discuss
offered you the couch
hoping you'd take the bed
surprised when you did
now I lay in arms that smell familiar
fingers laced with mine
can count your breath on my eyelids
vaguely recall caress and kiss
hands on hips
moving counter clock
lost all track of time
feel body half on mine
I high on dreams
didn't know you were real
until your scent found my pillow
rolled over saw your face
just to the right of my everything
fingertips brush lips
dance across cheeks
don't remember your breath so steady
don't remember your skin so soft
don't remember loving you this much
you, so beautiful and calm in sleep
I, restless want to steal your peace
make it mine
like you should be
vaguely recall caress and kiss
hands on hips
you on lips
now feel arm around waist
pull me close
knees find thighs
nose find place where shoulder meets neck
feel my breath on your eyelids
find my scent
watch my name escape as whisper
exist as dance
across cheeks
brush lips
breath steady
skin so soft
don't remember loving you this much
can barely breathe now
from holding air
can't move
can't let
you
high on dreams
me lost in memory
remembering
when you and I
were we
were us
were meant to be
breath so steady
skin so soft
remembering when you loved me
this much
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Memories: Union Square
03/01/2004
i.
we walked around union square
avoiding each other's hands. mine
aching to hold yours, you
pretending not to notice. we
both discuss the clothes in the window on
the corner of 14th and university
as if they mattered. forgetting easily what does.
ii.
you
i
we.
us.
iii.
walk past the new diesel store. i
break the silence with a grunt. Muttering
about their new ad campaign. you
listen to my tirade. smile, ask, "what
are you going to do about it?" i shrug,
say, "maybe, march on washington..."
laughter cuts the tension a bit. we
avoid each others gaze
afraid it will ease back in
iv.
me
you
us
we
v.
at starbucks, you order a frozen grande
mocha-choco-chino-latte something. i
don't like anything with coffee in it. the
whipped cream on your nose reminds me of
why i fell in love.
vi.
they
them
him
her
vii.
i told you about the dream i had last night. we
hadn't spoken in years. ran into you at the mtv
music awards. you
a vj. i
a musical guest. i smiled at you over green m&ms. you winked, said "hey... don't i know you?" i. nod.
laugh.
say, 'yes. i'm very, very, very famous."
we made Madonna laugh.
viii.
is it
okay to miss you before you leave?
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Untitled: For Kadiatou Diallo
02/04/2004
This isn't the full version. It's the edited version as performed on Def Poetry Jam last season
Welcome to the land of the soul less
Here, no souls rest
Black equal target for bullets
And we march to mourn another murdered
In silence
Where do our screams go?
Welcome to the place where dreams dry
And a mother cry’s for her son
She did not send him here to die
Would not have let him come here
Had she known
So who will hold her hand?
Stroke her face?
Fill that hole of empty baby space
41 times
Who will acquit her of her grief?
Welcome to the place where
Black loses life on urban streets
Cops cried say begged him not to die
Defense say, “he fit the profile”
Righteous say, “You never should have drawn gun anyway”
You never should have trapped, sun, anyway
What are we still doing here, anyway?
Still jury say murder is justified and cops win right to life
While a brother is still without his.
So, welcome to the place where a black face asks
Who will be next
And a white one answers,
Not I
Welcome to the place that justice forgot
Welcome to the place that fights no battles for the have nots
Welcome to the land where our blood runs
Where man sets sun
Where we trespass
Where we come last
Where we suspect
By those supposed to serve and protect
Welcome to the place where official open
Season has been called on all civilians
Welcome to a life of clipped wings
European dreams will cut your life short
Our black boys become blood sport
There is no freedom song being sung here
No place for change here
This is not a stage just for rage here
It’s just confusion here
It’s just frustration here
So welcome to a life of false hope
And no uniform ever pays
So welcome to my last days of trusting blue
Welcome to New York City
(can I help you?)
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Choices
01/26/2004
Trying to fall asleep
confronted by the glow of a television
at 3AM or 4AM or 5AM
is difficult
you cannot sleep comfortably here
but your bedroom is just
too lonely
too far away
too cold
your heart
it's beating too fast
you are covered in a mist
your own sweat
and you are afraid
of what's happening to your body
to your emotions
to your common sense
so this is an open letter
to the girl that you once were
the one that loved without
restrictions and conditions
the one that was fearless
without judgment
the one that loved loudly
like a thousand steel bands
and danced with the feverish joy
of a child just learning to appreciate her body
her feet
how they move
how they feel
how they carry
remembering the voice
your voice
and how it never fit on the inside
it existed within the full-throated shout of grown men
outdoors amongst the trees
skinned knees
the freedom of dirt
and mud
and rain
She is 25 now, that girl
and after a quarter century of living
and loving
she has become lonely
and scared
harboring secrets
and sadness
wondering
what happened to 18
and innocent
and sober
and fearless
But this isn't about that
or her
this is about hiding
this is about choices
about saying no
when you mean yes
this is about saying I'm afraid
and lonely
and sorry
and meaning it
this is about finally knowing what you want
and having no idea how to get it
this is about for once not hiding behind
metaphors
and similes
and smiles
and reconstructed laughter
this is about honesty
and truth
and falling in love
and meaning it
This is about falling
and love
and leaving it
this is about not knowing
but mostly, this is about choices
choices too difficult to take like
leaving or loving
choices too difficult to make like
living or dying
this is about confusion
and contradiction
a vegetarian who hates vegetables
a size 2 who always tries on a size 8
just in case something has changed
this is about changes
honoring them
trusting them
recognizing them
and fearing them
this is about never letting go
so this is about letting go
this is about looking him in the face
saying I will fight for you
protect you
I swear to God
This is about wanting someone to fight for you
protect you
swear to their God
This is about knowing that he won't
and still finding the strength to leave
so this is about fatigue
and being tired of being there
when no one seems to be there for you
this is about knowing who is
who will leave you alone
who will beg you to stay
and those who know the difference
This is about truth
the ones you keep hidden about yourself
from yourself
this is about the mess you've made of a life
you haven't even really started to own yet
this is about the friends you can't share the scary parts with
so maybe, this is about secrets
about the pills hidden in your underwear drawer
about 4 hours in the gym
about 2 weeks of only water and powers
so this is about shame
about finally admitting that things aren't okay
this is about the fear lodged in the pit of your belly
the fear that gives you
weight
wings
the fear rising with the lump in your throat
this is about crying in public
and hiding the tears
this is about wanting to jump
and your fear of heights
this is about your need to soar
and the ropes that keep you grounded
and expectations
and disappointments
this is about the sadness behind your mother's eyes
the worry in your father's voice
this is about walking away
and not looking back
this is about looking back
and facing the mirror
this is about being naked
with your truths
with your family
with your friends
with your lovers
this is about saying
now that you know the truth
will you please just love me anyway?
this is about safety
about reaching out begging to be heard
it's about voices
and words
that no longer comfort
this is about humility
and admitting that you need help
and sleep
and permission to cry
despite the strength you are often accused of
this is about the walls that you've built
to trap
and protect
this is about those brave enough to scale those walls
those that battle for you
against you
to knock them down
this is about relinquishing control
it's about taking a breath
stepping back
It's about 3AM, 4AM, 5AM,
6AM, 7AM, 8AM, 9AM
still no sleep
the glow of a television
you
bathed in sweat
tears
the mystery of silence
solitude
the need for noise
the quiet that confines you
and the chaos
that will always
keep you
moving
-Bassey Ikpi
copyright BasseyWorldUnlimited
All Rights Reserved
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Homeward
01/13/2004
Today, I remember my grandmother
As she attempts to connect with her second children
she finds the only english words she knows
from somewhere hidden in the belly of her 4 foot 9 inch body
and instead of awonke she greets us with "bye bye"
beckoning us into her thin clay colored arms
She has my mother's face etched with time
peers at me me from eyes wide and dark
like mine
I walk into these arms, the ones that mothered my mother,
taught her how to mother me
inhale the history from her skin
She reminds me of the little girl
bow legged and round faced, holding roasted corn in one hand
and a fistful of chin chin in the other
still begging for Orange Fanta to wash it all down
I remember her voice firm yet loving
"eh eh... mma bassey agi.. awai..."
you must eat, then drink
sometimes I forget but she remembers the small scared girl
carried away on an iron bird to America
Seems like that same bird has returned only to replace, her,
that perfect girl with me
this strange tongue tied woman,
the one that can barely say hello
without the clicks and moans the dips and tones of the white man's language
She listens now as I struggle with atum adem
It breaks my heart to realize that
I can only love her clearly in english
But tears do not replace the words
love will not make it easier
make it less heavy
desire will not help me remember
what the words taste like flowing like the Cross River from my tongue
But this is not my only tongue
Insolent and heavy with the awkward movements of amber waves
east or west this is not my village
and my heart still longs for my grandmother's voice
steady and strong crossing rivers and oceans
rounding buildings of mud, thatched roof
of steel and glass
concrete and confusion
still I am afraid that it will not find me here
in this land miles
from the one that welcomed me into this world
lifetimes before I existed in this cosmopolitan space
"nbong non yin ben yami?"
"nbong non yin ben yami?"
what will I teach my children?
what will I tell them of where I've been
the earth that shaped me
the hands that held me
the land that made me
what will they call home
and will they here it if and when it calls them
my heart still holds the salt and clay of Ugep
the strength of our women isn't lost in me
but sometimes I forget and find it difficult to walk in bare feet
afraid to remember what history feels like dust covered and
peeking from brown toes
oklahoma
DC
brooklyn
will not help me remember
ikom
ugep
calabar
they will also not let me forget fingers sticky with fuu fuu
swallowed whole
or tongues stinging numb from plantain fried in palm oil
But I have lost the grit and the grain of my grandmother's gari
I can't taste past this nostalgic lump in my throat
can't stomach the reality of this my divided culture
African
American
I am everything
And I am nothing
Nigeria quietly begs me to remember
While America slowly urges me to forget
but it's for my past
It's for my future
it is for my children
and it is for you, grandmother
that I must
always
always
remember
-Bassey Ikpi
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